The Comfort of No One

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Sat, 18 May 2013 13:41:22 -0400

"- Is it sad that everyday, every hour, every minute and every second I wish I was dead? Is it sad..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 02:13:54 -0400

“-
Is it sad that everyday, every hour, every minute and every second I wish I was dead? Is it sad that I wish everyone hated me so that it would be that much easier to go? Is it sad that I try to make people hate me? Because it isn’t that hard to hate someone who already hates themselves. Is it sad that I don’t know why anyone in the right mind would love me? I can’t even love myself and I know I’m not worth the time, the effort, the convincing that i could be loved. Is it sad that I cut myself over and over In the same spit just it make sure it scars, because I like them? Is it sad that the short amount of relief I get from cutting is the only thing that assures me I’m still alive? Isn’t it sad that I’m living like this? What’s the point of living like you wish you weren’t alive? Isn’t it sad that I only have one person keeping me here? Isn’t it sad that only one person understands me and won’t judge what I’m going through? Isn’t it? Isn’t my life just sad? That night you told me you wished I was dead, but little did you know I was already halfway there. But don’t say you’re sorry or that you care, I’m begging you. Because you don’t get to break someone’s heart, and still say you care. You don’t know that nothing hurts more than fighting to be good enough and being replaced by someone who’s better. But I still wakeup every morning, I wakeup, straighten my hair, put on my eyeliner, gloss my lips, and take that one last look in the mirror, all for you. The boy who will never care. And what I will never get is how you could hurt me like I was nothing to you. I don’t get how it was that easy, and I never will. Because as much as I want to hurt you and break you into a million little pieces like you did to me, I could never do that to you. Because I care too much. And I guess that’s one of my endless flaws. Another thing to add to my list of 100 reasons why I hate myself. And I need you to know that you helped me discover them all. My biggest fear was that one day you’ll see me like I see myself, and when you finally did I wasn’t as ready as I should have been. I say I’m used to getting hurt, but honestly, I’m not. And I never will be. Ill always expect it, but I’m never going to be able to ignore the constant pain that everyone puts me through and that’s yet another thing you helped me realize. So I guess in the end I should be thanking you. Thanking you for helping me hate myself more than I did, helping me realize that I’m a failure, helping me see that really there is not point In me being here, because if the boy who loved me so much stopped loving me so easily then it’s that easy for anyone. And there’s no point in living without love. So thank you. And don’t worry, none of this is your fault, it’s mine. Just like everything else. I’m nothing but a fuck up.”

- Just me again.

Tracey Emin, She Kept Crying, 2012

Thu, 16 May 2013 02:12:21 -0400

Tracey Emin, She Kept Crying, 2012

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Wed, 15 May 2013 01:32:41 -0400

"- I’m sorry. I didn’t expect it I get this bad. I didn’t expect these things..."

Tue, 14 May 2013 01:24:13 -0400

“-
I’m sorry. I didn’t expect it I get this bad. I didn’t expect these things would happen to me. I don’t know what I did, why I deserve this, I don’t understand why I have to go through all of this. Everyone thinks I’m absolutely crazy. I have panic attacks at school and I don’t talk to people anymore. I don’t look, I don’t smile, joke, laugh, or wave. It’s so much easier to leave this way. I’m the invisible girl. The one that just disappeared long ago. The one that vanished. The one that no one knows, understands, or even tries to understand. And it isn’t anyone’s fault but mine. I let people in, I trusted, I loved, I forgave, and I tried. I tried so hard to be “The girl that’s always smiling”. But I fell apart just before the finish line… I try. I try so hard to be kind to people. I don’t know why. I guess the kindest people know what it’s like to be hurt the most. Don’t tell me to “take a chill pill”. Don’t tell me to calm down. Because let me tell you, if there was such a thing as chill pills, I’d take the whole bottle until I could see nothing but darkness, and then hopefully I would be calm enough for you. But you can’t escape from your own mind, the mind where I claim to be an artist, But don’t show you my drawings. And it won’t be until you find me, laying on the bathroom floor, with crimson red drawings on my canvas that you realize, I truly could draw a pretty picture. There isn’t much point in trying to convince anyone. There isn’t much point of living as a let down, and a failure. So when I cry, I take that blade, and drag it across my pale flesh. dark, crimson tears flowing steadily out of my veins, I do not feel better, instead I feel numbness. Cold, and empty. Just like the rest of me. Parts of me want to die every night. Parts of me want it to be an accident. Parts of me want someone to notice and save me from myself. But you just don’t get it, my scars are a story carved into my skin. Stories of what goes through my mind so late at night. And I often ask myself how people would react to my death. And I wish I could hurt you like you hurt me, break your heart, make you miss me, like I missed you. Because that’s exactly what you did to me; just so you’d know how much it hurts. But really, I could never do that to you, even if I tied, because I care about you too much, I always will. Regardless of all the shit you put me through. And like I said you’ll never understand, that these scars have better stories than tattoos or anything else ever will.”

- Just me again.

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Tue, 14 May 2013 01:22:41 -0400

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Tue, 14 May 2013 01:21:28 -0400

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Tue, 14 May 2013 01:20:51 -0400

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Tue, 14 May 2013 01:20:08 -0400

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Tue, 14 May 2013 01:19:56 -0400

screams: screams: sexponents: to forget the pain yeah same

Tue, 14 May 2013 01:19:51 -0400

screams:

screams:

sexponents:

to forget the pain

yeah

same

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Sat, 11 May 2013 21:05:09 -0400

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Fri, 10 May 2013 16:00:07 -0400

just-breathing-not-living:

Fri, 10 May 2013 15:58:27 -0400

just-breathing-not-living:

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Fri, 10 May 2013 15:55:52 -0400

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Fri, 10 May 2013 15:55:26 -0400

"- “Are you okay?” Is the question that bothers me the most. Take a look at me. Just..."

Fri, 10 May 2013 01:45:42 -0400

“-
“Are you okay?” Is the question that bothers me the most. Take a look at me. Just look. I used to be so good at hiding this.. But now I don’t try anymore. Look at the scars on my body. Then ask me if I’m okay again. Listen to me cry every single night, then ask me if I’m okay. Watch me go through every day with that blank stare on my face that nothing can change. And ask me again if I’m okay. Look at the pictures on my phone, and ask me if I’m okay. Listen to my wish every 11:11. The same wish that I’ve wished for nearly a year, and have the audacity to ask me if I’m okay. Ask me to go swimming just one more time, and listen to my drawn out answer of how tired I am. Then ask me if I’m okay. All of these things are who I’ve become. So the answer to your question is both yes and no. No. I’m not okay with the person I’ve become. I’m not okay with trying to constantly deal with these things. I’m not okay with having to do these things I do every night to cope with this feeling. I’m not okay. But
Yes. Yes I am okay. I’m okay because this is who i am now. This is what I am now. And I guess with a lack of better words, I’m used to it now. More or less, I will be okay in the end. You want to know everything? Here you go. I’ve cut myself so many times for a year. I can’t go swimming, I can’t dance, I can’t wear shorts, and I can barely wear short sleeved shirts. I feel guilty every day because I know people have it worse than me. I know they do. But depression doesn’t just get better. One of my best friends killed herself last may, and that’s what set it off I guess. Since then I’ve had everything taken from me. I have permanent scars, ive lost friends, I’ve lost respect, I’ve lost trust, and I’ve lost my family. I’ve even lost the ability to smile and mean it. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and try to convince myself that I look fine. But I know, because people convince me that I don’t. You know what it’s like to lie and say you’ve already eaten before every meal, not because your anorexic, but because you just don’t feel like eating. You don’t feel like waking up, and you don’t feel like moving. Sure say what you want. But I won’t believe you. This is my life. It won’t get better. It’ll only get worse from here.”

- It’s just me.

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Thu, 09 May 2013 22:57:15 -0400

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Thu, 09 May 2013 00:37:05 -0400

dontneedtobe-p-e-r-f-e-c-t: lettersto-savemyself: Chill Pills...

Wed, 08 May 2013 21:35:25 -0400

dontneedtobe-p-e-r-f-e-c-t:

lettersto-savemyself:

Chill Pills (74/365)

Omfg this.